In my firm, there’s a tendency to look at internal communication as decidedly second-rate. Right now, despite being qualified in a variety of communication disciplines, I’m assigned to internal communications. And I’m constantly having to readjust the perceptions of people who think my sole job is to write our newsletter.

Heaven forefend I join the “real” communicators (analyst relations and PR) in their meetings with our company leadership to find out what’s going on in the company. I can barely get the time of day once business-unit people hear my job is internal communications. They literally - literally - turn away and tune out. So what are they communicating? We say we value employees, but we really don’t care about communicating with them, unless it’s to pass on some noblesse-oblige-ish, mollifying propaganda.

Let me set the record straight for all those corporate officers who may be confused or living under a rock: My job is not spinning your tired party line. My job is not publishing pictures of your silly bowling league or your at-bat at the employee softball game. And here’s a shocker (you’d better sit, especially if you’re an old white guy with heart trouble): My job isn’t to take your insincere glamour shot and write a column about “our shared values” or “getting the job done” in the stupid newsletter. (And by the way, everybody knows you don’t write that yourself.)

My job is news. My job is keeping the people who work for you as in-the-know as you want to keep media and industry analysts. I am not some failed secretary who had to be found a soft spot in comms land. I’m a serious communicator. I’ve practiced analyst relations, PR, marcom, and speechwriting, and employee comms. I know what I’m talking about. 

So let me tell you what the deal is.

Employees know, dear companies, that you are bullshitting them daily. They know you are withholding information – information all of them already get from their daily chats at the water coolers and in the break rooms. Along with blaming you, their management, for subjecting them the indignity that passes for internal communication, they blame me. They think because I’m forced to drop stories of real interest (too controversial) or to spread propaganda-y gook by management, that I am complicit. Well, maybe I am. But I hate it. And I want to change it.

So in an attempt to rectify this ridiculous status quo where employees are treated like dull-normal children by their corporations (despite Corporate America’s uniform, ubiquitous, and insincere protestations of how “Our People Are Our Greatest Asset”) I will now codify -

The Employees’ Communication Bill of Rights

Employees, you have the right:

To real news, which is information necessary to you about your company provided on time and without smarmy, snarky crap added (e.g., useless “let’s all hug each other” articles).

To get the real news as soon as possible, without spin, and before it hits the popular press (this is actually hard for public companies in the U.S. because of the SEC and disclosure rules, but it’s doable and it must be required).

To numbers. You should be told - just like the financial analysts who cover your company are told - what the financial goals are and how your company plans to meet those goals. What’s more, your company should tell you how they want you to help make those numbers.

To be an audience that’s as important - or more important - to your company as external audiences, and get the same resources and expertise (read: no one who failed in another function and needed to be stashed somewhere) external audiences get, in terms of budget, staff, and technology.

To be part of the story. Not to have to hear the gods on Olympus (read: your senior managers) talk down to you, but to be part of the news coverage and to have your perspective as part of the balanced coverage.

To actually get your news, wherever you are (if you’re in Peoria without a computer, you can still get your news through some other method, even paper or a phone call).

To clear, concise language. So when payroll sends you some email, you actually understand it, know what it means for you, and what you have to do about it.

To be free from propaganda. This one stands on its own. No glad-handing, no glossing, no spin.

To be free from jargon. Also stands on its own. No paradigms, no out-of-the-box thinking, no organizationizing, no utilizing synergy. Just plain talk.

To be interested. Not to be bored to death, preached to, harangued, or irked, but to actually get information that’s useful, informative, and told in an engaging way.

I will defend your rights to the teeth, dear employees, even if you don’t know (which you likely won’t) that I’m doing it.